Today

Long day.

Here’s what happened:

I woke up this morning at 7 something. So did Sunshine. As I stumbled around in an early morning blear, Sunshine jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom, sat on the potty, and. (Use your imagination.) Simultaneously, she threw up… all over the bathroom floor.

She was so upset–she just had the stomach flu over Thanksgiving weekend, and here a new strain seemed to have visited our house. Lovely.

I cleaned her up, kissed her, dried her tears, cleaned the bathroom. We both stripped and jumped in the shower. Got out, dried off. I dressed in her soft cotton pants and shirt. Settled her on the couch with a pillow, blanket, bowl, pink sippy cup of water, and cartoons.

Marched into the bedroom to talk with Matt. Ironically, Sunshine had a pediatrician appointment today–a check-up and immunizations. Asked him what he thought. He said, “She’s going.” (It had already been rescheduled once.) So we hatched a plan: he’d take her to the pediatrician as planned, I’d still go to my grandparents’ home, then I’d go to my work meeting. He’d bring her home from the doctor and stay with her until lunchtime, at which point I’d come home and relieve him, so he could work in the afternoon. Child situation: clear.

I did some more cleaning. Got myself ready. Called my boss and explained both situations: dying grandmother, sick child. Told her what I’d like to do with the day, and she was (of course) absolutely wonderful and said it was fine. Work situation: clear.

By that point I was running late. I’d wanted to be at my grandparents’ when I was just hanging up with my boss. Oh well.. not much to do, Sunshine got sick. Thought, “Well, I’ll just have to squeeze my morning time with them, maybe swing by after the meeting too, then go home to be with Sunshine.” I picked up the phone and called my mom, because she was also going to my grandparents’ this morning prior to work. Told her I was running late and might miss her there. Mother situation: clear.

Something was nagging me, though. Ahhhhh. We had sickness in our house. Was it a good idea to visit someone who is dying, coming from a germ-infested house? I desperately wanted to see her and also desperately didn’t want to make things worse. I called my grandfather. My aunt (up from Maryland) answered. Grandpa was in the shower. I explained. She promised to have him call me back.

I waited. And waited. He called. I pleaded my case–really wanted to come, had taken a shower, had disinfected, really wanted to see her, what did he think? He very much appreciated that I wanted to come. He did not think it was a good idea. “She can barely breathe as it is, it’s just not a good idea with the germs, just in case.” All right. I told him I’d call back later in the day, in case Sunshine’s status rapidly changed–in which case I’d come tomorrow. He agreed.

By this point I needed to leave just to make the work meeting on time. Sunshine was still downstairs–yelling for me. Wrapped her arms around me and started sobbing that she didn’t want me to go. I stroked her tummy, tried to explain, tried to leave. Then just gave up. She was a mess–her tummy hurt, she was going to the doctor and was afraid, Matt was in the shower. I stayed with her as Matt got ready and helped them get on their way. Child and husband situation: clear.

Finally I hopped in my car and drove. Got to the work meeting. Sat through it, stilll with an eye on the clock. Technically needed to leave early to get home on time at 1:00 for Matt, but… didn’t, because I’d already gotten there late. I ended up staying basically to the end.

At 12:35, when we were into the lunch/informal part of the meeting, I got up and waved my goodbyes. Colleague pulled me aside wanting to know if I’d be at meeting Monday, wanting to coordinate something. Explained I planned to be there but there was an off-chance I might not be, because of illness in family–if there was a funeral I wouldn’t make it. She promised to think of/pray for my grandmother, asked me her name, assured me it’d be okay if I couldn’t co-facilitate one of the groups, and sent me, with a hug, on my way. Monday work situation: clear, just in case.

Ran downstairs to the car. Pulled out my cell phone. It was now 12:50 or so. Called Matt to tell him I’m running late. Sunshine, he says, is utterly fine. She didn’t throw up again all morning. Her tummy feels fine. It’s not a virus, just some one-time kid thing–disagreeable tummy, nerves, something she ate? Whatever–it’s not a virus. He says, “Do you want to go to your grandma’s? My day’s shot anyway, just go.”

I’m already driving now. Cursing the traffic. On my way to my grandparents’ home. Boss calls, we talk, I say I’ll be into the office tomorrow; she says, “If she passes, please don’t come in” and I say “Okay but they’re saying a week, I don’t think she will yet.”

I arrive. Knock on the door. My aunt answers. I say, “Sunshine isn’t really sick, she hasn’t thrown up again so I came, figured it was okay…” and my grandfather is walking towards me, starting to cry, saying “Thank you for coming” as my aunt says “She just passed a few moments ago.”

_________

I missed her. I missed her by something like twenty? minutes? Around the same time my colleague is hugging me, asking me her name, promising to pray for her, she is drawing her last breath.

__________

I stayed with my grandfather and aunt. Hospice workers buzzed in and out. I saw her, where she died, in her bed. The undertakers came and carried her body away. A man came to take away the special equipment–bed, wheelchair, oxygen. The pastor stopped by to talk and pray.

My grandfather was like a light switch–flip–he was talking talking talking, telling stories about the time he and my grandmother took me to Disney and it was so cold, 35 degrees all week, and we were freezing in our shorts and tee shirts–flip–he was asking me about my job–flip–he was joking with the hospice nurse about some shady guy on a streetcorner in Manhattan selling fake watches–flip–he was crying and saying he wanted “the Lord to take him too” so he could “be with her”–flip–he was wondering where his phone number for IBM was and saying he needed to call and notify them, for benefits reasons–flip–he was showing us pictures of his father in World War I–flip–he was crying again because someone called on the telephone and had asked him how she was, how he was–flip, flip, flip.

My aunt’s eyes were red and she started to cry a little a couple times, but mostly she was just a rock, just utterly and completely in charge and addressing the practicalities as they presented themselves, one by one, remembering names and dates and phone numbers for my grandfather.

I stayed with them all afternoon. I called Matt and let him know she’d gone and I was staying. I called my boss and let her know I’d do my two meetings tomorrow but wouldn’t be into the office. My aunt put on a movie and we watched some of National Treasure 2, pausing it over and over for the phone calls, the equipment pick-up, the pastor’s visit.

Finally my dad and sister arrived around 5:15 p.m. I hugged them, hugged my aunt and grandpa, talked briefly with my dad and sis, and then left. My mom was due to come soon.

_______

Dad got a substitute teacher for tomorrow, and he’s going to spend the day with Grandpa. This weekend Grandpa is driving to Maryland to stay with my aunt and her family for a couple days. Monday my dad is taking off work again and is going to arrange the rest of the details of the burial and memorial service with my grandfather and the funeral home.

_______

I called my mom tonight to see how she was, since I’d missed her this evening. She’s holding up.

_______

I get three bereavement days from work, so I’m going to do another partial day tomorrow. Then one will have been consumed, between today and tomorrow. I’m going to use the other two to spend with my grandfather next week, after my dad’s time off has run out.

The burial and memorial service will be next weekend.

______

She is the first person close to me who’s ever died. I haven’t even begun to process any emotions yet, it’s just been go go go. It’s like there’s no room in my brain for any processing.

______

Sunshine is fine. Her arms hurt from the booster shots.

Matt let the guinea pig out and she’s running around the Christmas tree.

I don’t know how I’m going to give a presentation in nine hours, but then, I didn’t know how I’d come home and play with Sunshine, and managed that. We laughed and laughed playing tickle fight.