I woke up this morning thinking about Moonbeam: wondering how she’s doing in second grade, what she’s learning, what she’ll be for Halloween this year, what her favorite book is, and what she’s singing at church this morning.
I woke up feeling awed that she’s seven, and that in only ten years she’ll be choosing a college and making plans to leave home.
When she was a baby, she had a tiny Calvin College shirt. She wore it on one of our visits. I said, with an attempt at airiness, in front of everyone, “You know you don’t have to go to Calvin, sweetie!”
On one of our visits, when she was three?, I told her that I’d given her her middle name. She frowned.
On another visit, when she was five?, we were playing in her back yard, running through the sprinkler, sunning ourselves. We compared belly buttons. I told her we both have innies, but that when she was a newborn baby she had an outie. She smiled.
What do all these random encounters mean to her?
I read, with hunger, Dawn’s series of posts about Madison’s latest visit with Pennie. Dawn’s accounts of these visits always fascinate me, because they put context to the brief moments of interaction between a first mom and her child. I wonder if Moonbeam and her mom have discussions after I visit, too. I wonder, if they do, what is said. I wonder if my few appearances into Moonbeam’s daily life feel as jarring and out-of-sync for her as they do for me?
I wonder if it’s a mistake, living so far away from her.
I wonder (for the hundredth time) whether it’s a mistake, scaling back our face-to-face contact.
The truth is that I just don’t know; and that ambiguity has to be okay, because there’s no alternative. Her mom says fewer visits are okay. I hope so. I’m trusting her mom to tell me the truth and to guide us all through this. She’s the only one who can.
8 responses so far ↓
Dawn // October 5, 2008 at 11:44 am |
You’re back!!! You were missed!!!
Pennie is maybe going to have to move next year and I’m trying to process my feelings about it, my need to support Pennie and my obligations to Madison and where those three things intersect and diverge.
Truthfully, I’m in denial about the possibility. (Pennie says she is, too.) I’m hoping something happens that keeps her HERE.
Brad // October 7, 2008 at 2:06 pm |
I wonder these things too. I wonder if Sprog dreads the visits like I do. I am certain he is on his best behavior, which must be exhausting for him. I suspect he just tolerates my presence rather than enjoying it. I have absolutely nothing to base this on. He is always polite, but there is a distance there, and I am not sure if it really exists or if I am creating it in my mind.
Are you afraid that M’s mom says fewer visits are OK because she thinks that is what you want/need to hear?
paragraphein // October 7, 2008 at 9:42 pm |
“Are you afraid that M’s mom says fewer visits are OK because she thinks that is what you want/need to hear?”
Yes.
I do think if it was obviously detrimental to M, she’d tell me that. She’s been pretty clear about the fact that I ought to be available for the teen years, when she expects more questions to surface.
However I worry that she might miss subtle clues suggesting my disappearance could be a bigger deal–either now, or with possible repercussions in the future–than she thinks.
No idea how fair that worry is. Probably not very. She’s a good mom and pays a lot of attention to all her kids. It’s just my mom was a good mom, too, and paid a lot of attention to me and sis, our mom still missed some things, too. So the little nagging fear is there.
Edit to add: Also, to Dawn: Hi. Missed you too.
paragraphein // October 7, 2008 at 9:44 pm |
“He is always polite, but there is a distance there, and I am not sure if it really exists or if I am creating it in my mind.”
If you figure out a way to tell whether it’s real or in your mind, pass along the method, okay?
I’m pretty much unsure about everything in this whole open adoption business. Hard to trust our own perceptions.
lhjh4 // October 8, 2008 at 1:01 pm |
(((HUGS))) I often wonder the same
Brad // October 8, 2008 at 6:57 pm |
I think maybe you and I both think too much. Sometimes good enough is good enough and maybe the fact that we are both available is good enough.
Yes, there are things your parents could have done better. There are things my parents could have done better. Lamia is only one year old and already there are things we could have done better. No parent is perfect, but we do the best we can and part of doing the best we can means taking care of ourselves also.
Applying this to myself – it is important I spend time with Lamia, but it is actually more important that I go to meetings so that I can keep myself healthy because if I fail to stay healthy I am not going to be spending any quality time with her at all.
If scaling back visits is what keeps you healthy for M, then that is what you need to do and funnily enough that is what she needs you to do too.
paragraphein // October 8, 2008 at 7:20 pm |
Thanks, Brad. Needed to hear that.
I heart you. =)
paragraphein // October 8, 2008 at 7:23 pm |
L–thanks for the hugs. Also much needed and appreciated. ((Hugs)) back.